Saturday, March 12, 2016

mid internship and quarter life review

上次可以这样静下心来好好打打字已经忘了是什么时候了。前几个月忙着最后一次期末考,忙着找实习公司,忙着准备大学论文,所以几乎都毫无意识地在忙东忙西,完全没有时间静下来好好沉思。

刚接到上司的whatsapp,说我TGIF之前的电脑没有锁上,星期一得被负责business risk compliance的同事屌一屌,since we are already here ,不如先来谈谈internship。无止境地埋怨对一个人毫无助益,所以关于实习上的所有不好就不赘述了。这次实习对我来说最大的收获是........我非常清楚自己是无法在银行业生存的。可能如果循规蹈矩地当个表现不至于差到被革职的上班族还行,但若要下定决心把一生卖给银行,老实说我无法办得到。至少现阶段的我办不到。太多的官僚制度,太多无聊的规矩,太多制度上的瑕疵,太多显而易见,却又无能为力的问题。我的line manager甚至告诉我,“你无法企图改变一个公司的文化,你只能尝试接受它。”

老实说,我觉得有些bullshit。逻辑和现实上来说,他是对的。在一个大公司里,你就不过是个随时可以被取代的小螺丝,乖乖地把工作完成就好,谈什么改变公司文化。你做的不开心,外边等着取代你的人从吉隆坡排到新山,你的意见或者感受老实说根本没人在乎。

I just find it hard. To do something you are not passionate about just to get pay peanuts at the end of every month. To sell your weekdays to a company you don't really have a sense of belonging to , just so you can pay for your house , your car and your lifestyle. Idk if I am being too pampered or too soft-minded , but every minute wasted on job that I find meaningless is a torture. I've seen so many well-educated , bright person that somehow just decided to commit their life into a long hours shitty paying job. Isn't that sad? There is so much more left to be explored in life , but if you're too blinded with "job security" ( do we really still have that nowadays? ) , your life is just pretty much set at the age of 22. The idea of doing repetitive , and soon replaceable work for the rest of my life is incomprehensible. But again , maybe I am just trying to find an easy way out? Perhaps I'm just trying to escape reality and dodging responsibilities that come with adulthood?

I don't know. Like really. I am at the stage where I can't be sure of anything. Yea being able to sit in a coffee shop sipping on my overpriced coffee and write meaningless shitty feelings , in itself is already a blessing that I should be grateful for , but I still have this feeling that my life is shitty. I know I am not really happy with who I am and where I am at now , but I don't know how to really improve my situation.

On hindsight , I probably spent way too much time thinking and trying to hold on to the past , and also too much time fantasizing about the future. I am just not living in the moment.

Lost 25% of my net worth on the first three trading months of 2016 , which is of course fucked up. Not too sure if I can recover from that hit for the upcoming 9 months , but my confidence level is pretty much at all time low right now. A year ago I was thinking about trading full time after graduation , but now the option seems laughable and far-fetched.

Financially , I am doing pretty shitty. Career wise , I am not even sure If I will get a job after my internship. Still the most out of shape guy out there. No luck on the department of love. So what about friendship? If I am to grade myself , I would probably give myself a B+. Yea those people I genuinely care and love is still in my life , but at the same time I've lost quite a few people along the way. Just a day before my birthday , I went to this steamboat place around my journalism college. Sitting there were all my old classmates , that I no longer keep in touch with. The feeling I had at the moment was uniquely sad. Like what happen to us? We used to be really close , but now we are just strangers. They are not a part of my life anymore, and neither am I a part of theirs. But again , it's largely my fault. I am just not very good with keeping up with people. Maybe I am just this self centered prick that continues to live in his own world.

I have about a year more before turning 25 (quarter life crisis is already here no joke)  , and there are so much more to work on , so many things to change. Perhaps I need to start by not being so negative. Start by exercising a lil more. That can't be hard right because I haven't been doing any since.. forever. Be a lot better when it comes to managing risk. One baby step at a time.

But shit I feel like I am outta time. No I am not dying and aside from being out of shape I am reasonably healthy for a 24 , but I feel like I haven't done enough or accomplish enough that I don't deserve calling myself a 24. And occasionally my mum will say something like "Look at you with all your books , are you making any money with it? You know Aunty Janet's son is already contributing...... yada yada yada". That doesn't help at all.

Sometimes I do wish I am a little simpler. Or I am just dirt poor that I have no other options except to work my ass off , even on a job that I hate. To be able to like Kpop. To think that snapchat is not a stupid app. My point is I hope to be less of a misfit at times.

Need to reboot. Need to have a 5 years plan. Like a super detailed plan covering every aspects of life. Need to be completely honest with myself. What am I good at? What is the thing that I really want to pursue? What kinda person do I really wanna be? What kinda person do I really wanna be with? How important is money to me? What kind of life that I really want to live in the next ten years? Then figure out a way to get there. Slowly. Steadily.

Not sure if I am making any sense here because it's already five in the morning. Gotta drive myself home, take a hot shower and get some sleep. Before Monday arrives again.


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