Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tuesday

Feel like writing in English today ,with no specific reason. Probably because of a sudden inspiration , or it's simply because of I am tired of typing the alphabet first, and then choosing those Chinese words carefully to form a sentence. I don't know , I really don't.

I can't really recall when was the last time I feel an emotion. You know , happy , sorrow , excitement , disappointment , any of that kind. I just could't feel it anymore. I have this strange feeling that , 'I don't belong to here.' , and the word 'here'  means everywhere.

The college where I am studying in , the cinema which I watch all the movies  , the places that I normally hang out , and even the place that I live in. It's almost impossible to describe the strange feeling with words. I just feel like , I cant fit in into all these places. There is no place for me to squeeze in. Or maybe I never want to.

Frankly , I don't enjoy being friend with them. Mixing with different people , broaden your mind , expand your social circles are all great , but I guess we are just too different to be friend. I have to be another me , in front of them , all the time. I don't enjoy acting , I like being me. I am tired of laughing at all those stupid jokes they made. I am bored of the way they see things , and life. Well , not that I have my life all sorts out. I am probably one of the worst life-planner in the world (if not the worst ) , but they are even worse. So , imagine that.

I hate being this mean. You know , I've always try to be the Mr.Nice. Telling myself everybody has their way of living their life , and there is no good or bad. But once in a while , we will have to be true to ourselves. And I guess this is one of those time , for me. I just can't wait to get out of this place , or this life.

Changes need to be made. I don't think I can afford to live this way anymore. Life is bored , I feel uninspired. There are always so many things and words running in my mind , but for some reason , I just can't convert them into words. Not anymore. ( I know , you are saying , what are you doing with this blog post then?) Sometimes , question like , 'the world is huge , but why am I living in this small life map that I created for myself?' pops into my mind , and I have no answer for that. It feels sucks. It's like you don't know why are you alive , what are you living for.

The only time where I can feel happiness , delightful , and laugh from the bottom of my heart , is when I hang out with my high school mates. Maybe their channel fits mine. Maybe they are the only group of people in this world , that would accept me for who I am. Or maybe I am just being sentimental , thinking that the old one's are always better. I wonder if they feel the same , when they spent time with me.

But life drove us apart without even asking. I don't get to see them all the time , or talk to them everyday. Everybody has a life , and they are moving on. Somehow , I guess I am the only one that standing on the same old spot 2 years ago , refusing to leave , refusing to grow up , refusing to face the reality.

Growing up sucks very hard. Remember the old quote where grown ups will tell the kid all the time? '

“等你长大了,你就想回到过去了。”

Exactly. I used to doubt the quote , cant wait to turn adult , to have freedom , to have fringe that irritate my nose , to drive to late night movies and so on ,  but now , all I wanted is the good old times. Basketball , sleeping in the class , waiting for the bus , laughing with my friend.

But it's impossible yea?

Internship is coming on January , right around the corner. I don't look forward to it. I used to , but not anymore. Not in a way that I don't want to get myself into the dog bite dog society this soon , it's simply because I don't think internship will change the way I view life right now.

Life is good. Being able to breathe in oxygen , and exhale co2 is always a blessing. But sometimes , I wonder whats the point of our life , if we wake up every morning , knowing exactly what will happen in our life , and live accordingly with the boring schedule over and over and over and over and over again.

If you are reading this , you will probably go ' You think too much jor la. '. I know that. In fact , I knew that long long time ago. Yes , I think too much. And I guess thats the reason why I am happier and sad-er , than most people , most of the time.

Oh. And now , I know why I am wrting in English. Because my english sucks. My vocabs sucks , so there are not much words left to choose. Unlike Chinese , a sentence will take me forever because there are simply too many ways and interpretation to write it out , and I being a perfectionist , always want to form the perfect sentence.

Guess I will write more in English. It's easier this way.

Life is hard enough already.


Somewhere in the future , I will just go live in India and have roti canai for a year.

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