Thursday, September 22, 2011

168 hours

What's wrong with me.

I am not using a question mark because this is not a question. Even if it is a question , nobody would know the answer. Not even myself. I skipped classes again today , telling my mum that the classes were cancel by the teachers. Apparently , I'm the teacher now.

I am not afraid of seeing her anymore. But there is this strange feeling inside my heart , telling me not to go anywhere besides my couch. The reason why I am not scared anymore , is simply because I finally figure out that , no matter how scared I am , or how much I afraid of losing those precious memories , there is nothing much that I can do now.

My call will only end up hearing phrases like ' the number you have dial...' .

My messages will only annoy her more.

Even when I look at her and smile , it will bother her emotion and mood.

So I guess the best thing that I can do right now , is simply do nothing. Just be myself , and act cool as there is nothing happening. I am never good at hiding my feelings and emotions. Growing up taking Allen Iverson as my idol , I don't really learn how to be someone that people expect me to be. I just be myself.

Like me or not , thats up to you.

Only when I am in front of somebody that I really care about , I would consider changing for him or her. I've really devoted myself into this relationship , and told her that , 'OK , listen carefully , I am going to be whoever u want me to be , as long as you nod your head , and say yes again'.

But the answer was No.

Just like Amy Winehouse saying No No No to rehab.

At times , I will feel very helpless and start questioning myself , ' What else can I do , to change her mind? ' , ' Am I really that bad that I don't deserve a second chance? '. But just a moment later , I will knock myself on the head , telling my mind to eliminate all these silly questions.

It's not really my problem after all. Not that I am saying it's her responsibility , but really , it's not entirely my problem. I have to admit , I am the one that causing myself all the suffers and hard feelings I am going through now , but hey , when a relationship starts having problem , it is never only the guy or the girl's problem yea?

I've stopped giving myself space or chance to imagine ' What if...' or 'Is there a chance that she is... ' or any other similiar questions. I realize that I have to just stop. Stop seeking for her shadows , stop thinking of her warmth , stop looking for her news , stop asking for her answers.

168 hours , a week.


I don't know how far the journey is , but I am one step closer to regain my own life.

Smile. =)

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