Saturday, March 19, 2016

20 more days to go

20 more days left with my internship. Which mean I am a step closer to not knowing what to do with my life. I've come to the realization that I am just not the type of person that can have a 9-5 desk job. Deep inside my heart there is this strong urge to be a full-time trader , but when I take a look at my bank account and trading account , the number is not big enough to convince myself that I can survive trading full time.

But again , if I never take the leap of faith and make the transition , I will never know if I can make it. And if I don't do it now , despite the lack of a sizeable account , I will probably never get to do it. So the tentative plan right now is to trade full time for at least 3 months after the internship , and at the same time slowly completing my life plan. I've currently work out the monthly expenses part , as in how much I need to make at the very least in order to put food on the table. Have a very general picture of what I would like to achieve before 30 , but no concrete plan to achieve them yet.

Although I've been trading actively for the past 3 years , but I never really put myself in the position where everything is on the line. Kinda like an all in on the poker table. I have always gave myself a comfortable backup plan in case if this trading career don't work out as plan. And because of that I've never really give it my very best. As long as I am making just enough to have an occasional short trip and some stuffs ( mostly books ) that I like , I am content.

Trading full time is different.

Yea I might not have boring lectures or tutorial classes that I have to attend , no more crazily boring and repetitive job that I have to do anymore. But that also mean I need to now do a lot better in trading , because that's the only thing I am doing now. Just me and the markets.

Or another more straightforward way of saying it , I am about to go from "it's ok not to make money" to "I NEED TO MAKE MONEY OR ELSE WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE".

Not going to lie. It's pretty scary taking the road less traveled. Imagine if I trade for 5 years , and  another black swan event like the swiss franc last year happen busting my account. Imagine even if I build my account for 5 years and all of a sudden my broker goes belly up. While all my peers are steadily climbing their corporate ladder , I might not have anything to show for.

Need to disenthrall from all social expectations , and traditional sense of "security". Easier said than done because all those conventional concepts are so deeply rooted in our brain , it's gonna take equal amount if not longer time to completely adopt the uncertainty of life. It's going to be extremely rewarding both mentally and spiritually , if one can make it to the "other side". I am on my way. Hopefully I can be there. I need to be.

As what my mentor said , "我发现很成功的人,通常都是不给自己后路的人。”

It's now or never.

Was suppose to actually write a post about relationship but.... maybe next time.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

mid internship and quarter life review


刚接到上司的whatsapp,说我TGIF之前的电脑没有锁上,星期一得被负责business risk compliance的同事屌一屌,since we are already here ,不如先来谈谈internship。无止境地埋怨对一个人毫无助益,所以关于实习上的所有不好就不赘述了。这次实习对我来说最大的收获是........我非常清楚自己是无法在银行业生存的。可能如果循规蹈矩地当个表现不至于差到被革职的上班族还行,但若要下定决心把一生卖给银行,老实说我无法办得到。至少现阶段的我办不到。太多的官僚制度,太多无聊的规矩,太多制度上的瑕疵,太多显而易见,却又无能为力的问题。我的line manager甚至告诉我,“你无法企图改变一个公司的文化,你只能尝试接受它。”


I just find it hard. To do something you are not passionate about just to get pay peanuts at the end of every month. To sell your weekdays to a company you don't really have a sense of belonging to , just so you can pay for your house , your car and your lifestyle. Idk if I am being too pampered or too soft-minded , but every minute wasted on job that I find meaningless is a torture. I've seen so many well-educated , bright person that somehow just decided to commit their life into a long hours shitty paying job. Isn't that sad? There is so much more left to be explored in life , but if you're too blinded with "job security" ( do we really still have that nowadays? ) , your life is just pretty much set at the age of 22. The idea of doing repetitive , and soon replaceable work for the rest of my life is incomprehensible. But again , maybe I am just trying to find an easy way out? Perhaps I'm just trying to escape reality and dodging responsibilities that come with adulthood?

I don't know. Like really. I am at the stage where I can't be sure of anything. Yea being able to sit in a coffee shop sipping on my overpriced coffee and write meaningless shitty feelings , in itself is already a blessing that I should be grateful for , but I still have this feeling that my life is shitty. I know I am not really happy with who I am and where I am at now , but I don't know how to really improve my situation.

On hindsight , I probably spent way too much time thinking and trying to hold on to the past , and also too much time fantasizing about the future. I am just not living in the moment.

Lost 25% of my net worth on the first three trading months of 2016 , which is of course fucked up. Not too sure if I can recover from that hit for the upcoming 9 months , but my confidence level is pretty much at all time low right now. A year ago I was thinking about trading full time after graduation , but now the option seems laughable and far-fetched.

Financially , I am doing pretty shitty. Career wise , I am not even sure If I will get a job after my internship. Still the most out of shape guy out there. No luck on the department of love. So what about friendship? If I am to grade myself , I would probably give myself a B+. Yea those people I genuinely care and love is still in my life , but at the same time I've lost quite a few people along the way. Just a day before my birthday , I went to this steamboat place around my journalism college. Sitting there were all my old classmates , that I no longer keep in touch with. The feeling I had at the moment was uniquely sad. Like what happen to us? We used to be really close , but now we are just strangers. They are not a part of my life anymore, and neither am I a part of theirs. But again , it's largely my fault. I am just not very good with keeping up with people. Maybe I am just this self centered prick that continues to live in his own world.

I have about a year more before turning 25 (quarter life crisis is already here no joke)  , and there are so much more to work on , so many things to change. Perhaps I need to start by not being so negative. Start by exercising a lil more. That can't be hard right because I haven't been doing any since.. forever. Be a lot better when it comes to managing risk. One baby step at a time.

But shit I feel like I am outta time. No I am not dying and aside from being out of shape I am reasonably healthy for a 24 , but I feel like I haven't done enough or accomplish enough that I don't deserve calling myself a 24. And occasionally my mum will say something like "Look at you with all your books , are you making any money with it? You know Aunty Janet's son is already contributing...... yada yada yada". That doesn't help at all.

Sometimes I do wish I am a little simpler. Or I am just dirt poor that I have no other options except to work my ass off , even on a job that I hate. To be able to like Kpop. To think that snapchat is not a stupid app. My point is I hope to be less of a misfit at times.

Need to reboot. Need to have a 5 years plan. Like a super detailed plan covering every aspects of life. Need to be completely honest with myself. What am I good at? What is the thing that I really want to pursue? What kinda person do I really wanna be? What kinda person do I really wanna be with? How important is money to me? What kind of life that I really want to live in the next ten years? Then figure out a way to get there. Slowly. Steadily.

Not sure if I am making any sense here because it's already five in the morning. Gotta drive myself home, take a hot shower and get some sleep. Before Monday arrives again.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Scattered thoughts





一群人做事,免不了意见上的冲突。重要的是谨记对事不对人,也要有度量接受别人的意见。为了面子而坚持己见,到头来只不过是在浪费大家的时间罢了。与人共事的另一要点,是要明白不是每个人都像你那么在乎成败,这世界的大部分人不过就是在得过且过而已。In that case,chill out and have a kit kat。但当你有幸和一群志同道合的人合作时 , give it your best shot.




Saturday, September 12, 2015

My dream car

A girl friend of mine was asking me this question the other day after we had a late night coffee/dessert session around Solaris. She is about 2 years into sales related career now , and meeting rich business owner is part of her everyday job. There is this really interesting story she told me about how this filthy rich factory owner that she approached for business drove 4 different luxury sports cars to pick her up every time they met.

There were Ferrari , Lamborghini , Audi R8 and Bentley , if I'm not mistaken. The point is that I can never afford any of them , let alone four of them. Then before we said goodbye to each other , she asked me , "Hey what's your dream car?"

And for about 3 minutes my mind went completely blank. Not a single car came into my mind. I mean I do think driving a sports car is all cool and fancy , but deep inside I've never wanted those cars that project social status rather than anything else.

Wealth inequality is one of the pressing current issue that I worry the most , much more than global warming because if the current situation continues we might kill each other before the sea level rises high enough to drown us all.

There are roughly about 7 billion ( 7,000,000,000 ) people on earth right now , and guess how many millionaires we have as of today? It's a debatable subject according to various reports , but lets just take the median figure of about 15 million ( 15,000,000 ) , and most of them reside in the western world , Japan and China.

To put things into perspective , the odds of you making it as a millionaire today is about 0.214286571 percent. Of course the chances are still much higher than striking the lottery ( about 0.00000083 percent ) , but the math is still pretty depressing.

No doubt being a millionaire requires a lot of effort and focus and persistence and blood and sweat and brilliance and whatever other factors that is within one's control , but I think calling him/her that wins a game with the odds of only 0.214286571 percent a lucky person is fair.

If I'm lucky enough to be one of the 15 million millionaires on earth within my life time , I will never spend a single dime on cars just to flaunt my wealth and tell people how well I'm doing.  Instead I'll  do my part and make sure this little blue ball cruising around the universe is a better place for all human beings to live.

While the rich business guy is explaining the difference between a Bentley and a Audi to my friend in his Lamborghini , halfway around the world there are people in Africa that makes cookies with dirt just to get through the day.

I hope everyone of you that is reading this right now to really appreciate everything you have in life. If you're having clean food and water on your table everyday , plus some extra cash sitting in your bank account , you're already a lot luckier than many souls on earth.

If you are blessed or brilliant enough to see 7 figures sitting in your bank account doing nothing , maybe we should all be thinking about those dirt cookies little African kids are feeding on , instead of that fancy red sports car that will probably (definitely ) get you laid in the club.

Instead of having a dream car , maybe we should all be working towards the dream of everyone having a good meal.

Sources -

A super interesting piece of how dire wealth inequality is around the world.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Farewell facebook , a confession and goals for upcoming sem break

This dusty blog gets about 100 clicks ( about 20 of them were myself... or more , ha ) every time I write a post. Occasionally it will get more , especially when I write about love , but it will always peak at about 200 clicks. Assuming if no one is lifeless enough to keep coming back and read the same post again and again , my core readers are currently standing at about..... say 80 people. I am no attention seeker and honestly I'm happy with the number. I've long gave up the dream of being a writer so the amount of readers doesn't really bother me anymore , but it still feels really good to know there are people out there that not only read my blog , but actually care enough to keep coming back.

I'm immensely grateful because I know how bad of a friend I am to most people. I literally never take the initiative to reconnect or ask about other people's lives. I've always assume if they have shits serious enough in their life , they will come to me and I'm always ready to help or lend an ear. Alas my approach towards life has cost me a lot of friendships over the years. Most of them I guess just automatically assume I don't give a shit and just fade out of my life over time.  That is why I consider you , yes you a miracle for reading the blog till this day. I've probably never done anything major for you , but yet you are still spending your precious time going through the lines of my blog. 

For that , I think you guys deserve 100% honesty from me. So hold on to your seat cause you're about to get real up close and personal with my life.

If you know me well enough , you will probably know I'm the exactly the opposite of what people would call a "private" person. Throughout my life , I've never really learned how to constraint my emotions. For a very long time , I don't see the point to suppress them as well. If you're happy , you should sing and smile. If you're sad , well.... cry , but don't forget to sing afterwards. I'm always very straightforward with life , and I naively assume people out there are the same. My way of dealing with life unintentionally hurts a lot of people over the years ( being too honest is a great example ), and I really want to change that. I'm not too sure if I can , but I will start trying , even if that means losing some of my distinct personality.

I'm not sure how to make the transition from what I've just said to this , but yes I'm quitting Facebook in 3 days. Right after I finish my last paper of this semester , I'll deactivate my account immediately and start my first semester break without the influence of social media. The reason behind my decision is quite self-explanatory. If you realise a thing , a habit or even a person brings you more negative influences than positive ones , you cut them off , preferably sooner rather than later. I'm not saying Facebook or social media as a whole is evil , but it has come to a point that I don't think is healthy for me to continue anymore.


I'm pretty sure you can relate to this. You want to start the day fresh and actually get some shits done , but the moment you open your eyes , your hand almost instinctively reach for the phone and start swiping your newsfeed. Before you know it ,  you are left with only 5 minutes to get yourself ready for the day. When you're finally finish with your job , you log on to Facebook just to realise the place is flooded with grudges , egos , vainness , gossips , showoffs , attention seekers and get rich quick schemes just to name a few. Being exposed to all these garbage inputs will slowly distort your views of life , and derail you from the right track. 

Is our generation so pathetic that our self-esteem rely on a like button?

A vivid example is how most young females behave today. Everyone wants that branded bag just because the whole Instagram seems to have one. Every girl wants to vacation and high tea everyday without working for it , because that is how other pretty girls are living according to their Facebook profile. So , if I want that kind of lifestyle , I must have that nose jobs , double eye-lid surgery , get my breast enhance , and perhaps a little injection on my butt so I can have that Kim K booty. And after all the plastic surgeries , I GOTTA HAVE THAT CASIO ZI PAI SHEN QI just so I LOOK EVEN BETTER. 

Want the male version of Facebook syndrome? Just substitute the bags with CARS , the vacations with PARTIES , the high tea with loads of CASH , and BOOM , there you have it.

I'm pretty sure we are all tired of these kinda posts by now.

Take a step back and think about it. It's madness. If you're not constantly brainwashed by the noise of social media , life will never be a constant hustle just to satisfy endless desires. 

I'm not here to judge anyone or promote "the right way of living" , because obviously I'm just a average joe facing the same struggle in life everyday. I worry about money , I am insecure , I am unconfident , I swear ( the word "fuck" top my list of favourite words) , I get lonely , I consume way too many coco-colas.

For a very long time in my life , I subconsciously thought that social media is the way out. That helps explain those long ass status I wrote , and probably still write , that honestly do not have any inspiring message to convey and no one gave a shit about. Not to mention how Facebook always seems to worsen my procrastination. I lost count of the times where I really want to learn something new , but once I log on to Facebook , I will quickly lost my way in the maze of internet , and out of nowhere a selfie in which she shows half of her boobs to the world appear on my newsfeed.......then I lost consciousness , just to realise my hands were wet and my chrome tab is on 10 minutes later.

you know what i mean.

And that leads me to pornography. I wouldn't call myself a porn addict , but undeniably a heavy user. It has to do with the nature of my job. Being a trader , whether you're making or losing money can be really stressful , and what's better and easier than jerking off to porn when you're about to rip your keyboard into pieces after that last losing trade right? At the height of my guilty pleasure , I was consuming porn everyday without considering the side effects it has on me. Numerous studies and scientific researches have proved that abusing porn will shut down part of your brain , making you less reactive to sexual stimulation. ( see: )

Wouldn't want to realise you can't really perform on the night you can finally get rid of your right hand right?  Thankfully the process is reversible , but it takes some serious commitment to stop fapping. In fact there is this really cool online community and support group , that is basically an online version of pornography rehab centre. Not that I'm having any serious problem from porn usage , but I've signed up for the program , and will be starting my 90 days nofap journey on the same day I quit Facebook. 

I believe saying goodbye to Facebook and stop fapping will give me more time to accomplish what I really want in life. For now , it is to further improve my trading skills and take it to the next level. I've been trading on and off for about 2 and a half years now. Fortunately I'm net positive , but consistency is still one of the biggest hurdle in my trading career. I love trading , every single second of it. Therefore I'm really ashamed of myself for not giving 100% of everything I have to get better in something I genuinely love doing. This coming semester break , coincidentally the start of a new quarter is a perfect chance for me to unlearn every bad habits I have with my trading , and start focusing on the big picture of BEING THE BEST TRADER I CAN BE.

I no longer want to make a thousand goals for semester break but ended up achieving none of them. So for this semester break I only want to achieve the following.

  1. To control my risk and have a healthy screen time on my trading.
  2. To jog consistently for a minimum of 30 minutes everyday. 
  3. Eat healthy , which mean no Mcdonalds , KFC and any similar fast foods. No cokes too.
  4. Watch at least one movie every week. 
  5. Finish a book every week. I still have about 65 new books from the last big bad wolf box sales. 
  6. Travel to a new place with a tight budget. 
  7. Visit a new coffee shop every week.
  8. Clean up my postwar-like room. 
  9. Learn how to play support or offlane in dota.
  10. Monitor and record my progress on Instagram. 
That's about it I guess , the post is long enough ( too long in fact)  and if you're still reading I owe you a big thanks! Wish me luck as I embark onto this new journey.

Sunday, August 2, 2015



J小姐原是同学,但成熟又顾家的她为了家人放弃了学业,至今已工作一段不短的时间,每每看见她都有“天啊她又更成熟一些了”的惊讶。前几个礼拜手机忽然响起简讯,她不可思议地问:“怎么P小姐结婚了?还有了个可爱的小宝宝?” 我不懂该如何回答,因为从这个学期就再也没来上课的P小姐也没有告诉任何一个同班同学,没有消息,也没有通知,甚至也没有请帖。每个人都是在Facebook上发现的,证明P小姐很一视同仁地决定没有必要通知任何人。我不知道别人怎么反应,但我自己是觉得没什么大不了的。不是因为我自己和P小姐并没有太深厚的交情,只是因为我觉得在读书的当儿忽然怀孕,已经是一件非常大压力的事情,当中一定牵扯很多不容易处理的细节,所以我完全明白为什么她选择不高调宣布喜讯的决定。




一个女孩告诉我,一段健康的爱情只需要两个元素:“真诚的沟通,and great sex。”


至于great sex....... 如果不肯真诚地沟通,相信sex也不会great到哪里去。








Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Be like Andy




一直到去年,我从脸书上发现他和两个伙伴一起开了间咖啡馆,名字叫The Curious Goat。我不是一只羊,对于一向特立独行的Andy学长开了间咖啡馆这回事也完全不好奇。当年和Andy同届的学长都在朝九晚五,而他却选择了中学英文课中常读的 《The Road Not Taken》。经营咖啡店听起来很梦幻,但背后有很多吃力不讨好的细节,但能够泡着自己最爱的咖啡,与自己热衷的摄影为伍(是的,Andy也是个摄影师),就已经比很多每天都在抱着自己工作的年轻人都还要幸福了。


在社会普遍浮躁,价值观扭曲,拜金至上的如今,或许我们都应该be like Andy。平实地过活,努力地拼搏,接着逍遥快活。

Be like Andy

The Curious Goat

No 20-1, Jalan PJU 8/3A, Damansara Perdana, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia